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advice of the day
i have been known to be something of an agony aunt. ask any of my agony nephews. haha. slap my thigh.
here is your advice:
17/08/2002
ass-flavoured coffee... not great.
16/08/2002
it is not a good idea to wrestle on a kayak in the middle of a river, when you are wearing 1-month old, 300-real-glasses.
15/08/2002
putting frogs in people's beds is great fun.
14/08/2002
if your girlfriend has an adam's apple, GO FOR IT, TIGER!
13/08/2002
bored? how about fashioning a makeshift flamethrower (with a lighter and an aerosol can) and burning andré's socks?
12/08/2002
elderly people do not take lightly to toilet humour.
11/08/2002
you know how people say that drinking a glass of warm milk helps you to fall asleep? that's a load of crap. last night, i had a glass of warm milk with my coffee, and i couldn't sleep for hours.
10/08/2002
percoset mixed with vodka is not a very good night-cap.
9/08/2002
um, don't tell dna. bernadette that she looks like jabba the hutt, from star wars. she may get offended.
8/08/2002
nobody reads this shit anyway...
7/08/2002
um, don't start an 'advice of the day' page if you don't always have ideas
6/08/2002
DON'T read this if you didn't know that YODA DIES IN 'RETURN OF THE JEDI'. i'm glad you didn't read it. that would have spoiled it for you, wouldn't it?
5/08/2002
clip a merman's toenails with a cleaver to strengthen your fertility.
4/08/2002
get this printed in poster size, and hang it up in your bedroom:
3/08/2002
when an african elderly woman offers you hot chocolate, DO NOT ACEPT IT. it's a trap. damn african communists...
2/08/2002
if you are british, and there is a moniker that you particularly hate, and you have a friend called monica, and she is standing right behind you, do not shout 'i hate that moniker!', because, since you're british, it will sound like 'i hate that monica!' and monica will get pissed off.
1/08/2002
if you feel like killing people, and amputating their privates with a swiss army knife, have the decency to ask them first.
31/07/2002
ferret poop is good for pottery.
30/07/2002
if you like movies full of colourful characters, see 'reservoir dogs'. ahahah... get it?
29/07/2002
watch clodovil's tv show. it is one of the richest (intellectually and morally) shows on television.
28/07/2002
as far as babysitting is concerned, michael jackson is #1.
27/07/2002
if you have booked a massage, and you discover that your assigned masseur is mr. T, avoid the session at all costs.
26/07/2002
never attempt to carve a battle shield out of hard boiled eggs. they're not hard enough (unless you boil them for a REALLY long time... at least an hour).
25/07/2002
"if you are feeling slightly bored, and have nothing to do, why don't you go take in a nice play..."
abraham lincoln
24/07/2002
if you want to kill yourself by jumping off a building, don't bother with a parachute or helmet.
23/07/2002
when in rome, do as the romans do - go for the all-out sodomy.
22/07/2002
if you are a member of the mafia, and you would like to arrange for someone to 'sleep with the fishes', make sure you provide him with plenty of prophylactics... failure to do so could result in the catching of weird marine diseases or the conceiving of a weird fish-man hybrid - kind of like paul schaffer from the late show.
21/07/2002
when given the opportunity to go out on a date with newman (from seinfeld), take it. besides being saucy as a burrito, he's rich as a burrito too.
20/07/2002
if you are having breakfast, and an ostrich falls on you, DO NOT badmouth your teachers in greek. some of them may speek greak. (and, just for the record, i made the spelling mistake ON PURPOSE. i KNOW that there is a Z in ostrich. i am trying to make a point here).
19/07/2002
never wake yoda up before noon. he gets cranky.
18/07/2002
if a carrot asks your for a saddle, so he can use the pope as a horse, indulge him. but do not spend over $100 on the saddle.
17/07/2002
it is highly recommendable to wear a helmet when waterskiing in lemonade.
16/07/2002
do not make a daily habit out of eating pure raw canned tuna. after a few weeks it really starts to taste like ass. now i can't eat tuna. i hope i snap out of it soon enough, so i can eat a can of tuna every day until i feel sick again.
15/07/2002
TRUE STORY - today, i went to this recording studio place, to record some audio voice-overs (for a tape for people who want to learn how to talk english good like us). what the hell, you know... it beats staying at home, and they pay you. anyway, in the little scene i was doing, the dude playing the part of the police officer was fruitier than chinese chicken salad. seriously, he was one pair of leather pants away from beating michael jackson on the gayness scale. well, anyway, as soon as he left the room, i made a joke about him being the cop from the village people.
my advice is: DO NOT DO THAT. the room (like most recording studios tend to be) was completely rigged with microphones, and just about everyone in the control room heard me. haha.
14/07/2002
pra impressionar uma garota, não há jeito melhor do que comparecer de bermudão e havaianas para o primeiro encontro, e levá-la ao 'rancho do serjão', pra compartilhar uma bisteca com feijão e ovo, e pra fechar o encontro com chave de ouro, pagar a conta com o seu cartão de crédito do hipermercado extra.
13/07/2002
if you are an old fat guy that insists on walking around topless at social gatherings, a gold bracelet is probably in order.
12/07/2002
if your hair falls off and gets eaten by a duck, DO NOT attempt to retrieve it by sifting through duck shite, looking for some that has hair in it. you may accidentally get a duck that ate faustão's pubic hair.